In this Pinch I shall tell you a story boys and girls. So grab your favorite pint of ice cream, your best jammies and sit back while I tell you a tale…a tale of shit and a washing machine and it all took place in this crazy land far far away called Real Life.
Once upon a time in Real Life there was a Renegade Mom, her name was RM1 and she was the stinkiest most worn down mom in the land. She had lost her mind and had given birth twice in less than two years which resulted in showers becoming a luxury, regular meals a thing of the past and the word sleep to become part of an ancient language no longer spoken.
Despite RM1’s mental challenges and the chaos that was called her life, she still managed to reside in Real Life. The people of Real Life even decided that because she so embodied the spirit of Real Life she should be the Queen (okay fine she wasn’t…I made that part up).
Because she was crazy, RM1 thought that if she used cloth diapers on her babies she would save some Real Life money and maybe earn some Real Life Environmental Good Karma. It seemed like a win-win situation until that fateful day…the day when the pump went out in her Real Life used washing machine.
There she was this Renegade Mom, standing knee deep in shit, literally. She had not washed the shitty diapers in three days and had just put them in the washing machine for their first wash cycle. There they were rotating back and forth creating Shit Soup and RM1 was pleased. Suddenly there was a groan and then a moan and then a snap and then silence. Silence that was so deafening all she could do was stare in disbelief. The washer had broken while full of shit soup. To make matters worse the checking account at Real Life Exchange was also deafeningly silent.
FUCK.
There is a saying in Real Life that goes something like this: Shit Happens. Literally. Furthermore, when Shit Happens you have only one choice: deal with it. So for two weeks RM1 made the best of it. She lugged heavy wet clothes back and forth from her mother’s house, the laundry mat and across the street. She ended up having to empty the shitty washing machine by hand with a bucket (yum!) and wait not for a repair person but for the payday that could bring a new pump for Renegade Dad to install himself.
The moral of this story is that in Real Life you learn to develop an appreciation for things that are luxuries. Things that most people in the world do not have and could really use. When faced with shit you can make lemonade.
The End.
Okay not really the end. Thought you were gettin’ off this Pinch easy didn’t ya? Not so fast there….
So Dooce’s fancy fuckin washer broke…Big Effen’ Deal. She makes $40k a month sitting on her ass typing drama and somehow a broken washer warrants days of insane blog posts and Twitteritis? If you make that much money two things:
1.) You don’t seriously have a washing machine “fund”
2.) You just go buy a new one and donate the one that sucks to someone who can fix it and write it off on your taxes.
I survived Dooce. Can I retire now?I mean yeah it's kind of annoying to get a lemon but you don't need to be a self-righteous bitch and use your fancy shmancy blog to try and take down Maytag and get a repair guy canned in a recession.
Dooce you make $40k a month, your washing machine cost you $1300 which is 3.25% of your monthly income and you really are going to make the situation THAT dramatic? So you had some onesies with some newborn poop on them? I have poop on onesies every day times two and it really isn’t that big of a deal. Like you, I have a laundry room and they go out there. Situation taken care of. It isn’t like a pile of actual human shit is sitting there waiting to be eaten by your dog (oh wait that’s my house).
I also leak milk on my shirts every day and I am not sure what exactly is coming out of your boobs, but my milk-shirts don’t stink. Okay wait let me clarify, they don’t stink like sour milk. They do stink like sweaty, tired mom who hasn’t showered yet and can’t find the deodorant. If your boobmilk really smells that bad you may want to look into that; it may be the Prozac.
The fact is that Dooce, you do not live in Real Life. You live in this little imaginary storybook world where every little bump in your diamond studded road is a major crisis. You live your life as if it looms somewhere on the map between an ABC After-School Special and a Lifetime movie.
The truth is that it was a fucking washing machine. I will haul wet laundry to and from the laundry mat any day of the week and I am grateful to be able to do it. I am happy to have the quarters and I am glad I am not scrubbing shit off of rags in a river. If you want to get a good sense of what really doing laundry is like, cruise on over to Real Life land where there are no assistants and sometimes there is no plumbing.
We don’t feel sorry for you. Your “rant” has fallen on deaf ears and if my ass could afford it, I would go buy a fucking Maytag and then call Maytag Corporate offices just to say “I bought this shit because Heather B. Armstrong is a spoiled bitch with a distorted sense of entitlement.”
Anyone got a match?
Then I would light a shitty diaper on fire, put it on your doorstep and doorbell ditch you.
~RM1
Confessions of a Renegade Mom 
Okay, this? Cracked me up.
My dryer fund (for the dryer that is the least environmentally friendly appliance in the universe and a potential fire hazard) will be going toward my daughter’s surgery instead.
So yeah, real life, welcome to it.
(And holy shit, I did not realize she makes $40K a month; that’s insane).
My dryer is not the environment’s friend either. The fire hazard part can be scary though. Our dryer caught on fire a few years back in our old house (it was hooked up improperly by the evil landlady) and was really scary! If you have Freecycle in your area get on it and post that you need a dryer that wont light your house on fire. I bet you get one! I LOVE Freecycle! Dryers are pretty easy to come by on there too. Freecycle is the definition of real life (it’s fun too!)
I hope your daughter makes a quick and healthy recovery!
~RM1
It all comes across as a bit bitter and desperate to me….but I guess one shouldn’t be surprised that a site where a mother would write such things about her three male children would be a site where nothing worthy can be found. Perhaps you should work at your unfounded anger and resentment towards strangers and at being a better mother. If you have to wonder why your boys aren’t upstanding citizens, perhaps you should take a look in the mirror at who raised them. Children only know what they are taught and their parents are their #1 models.
I am so sorry my boys are not “upstanding citizens” especially by the ripe old ages of 8 months, 21 months and 6 years old. But really what do you expect from a mother such as myself? In fact, perhaps I should sign them up for some citizenship classes (do they even still have those?) However, I fear one must be potty trained in order to attend so that leaves 2 of them out.
I wonder what shall we do?
Hmmm….well I suppose I could help them hone their skills in that area – in between breastfeeding them, changing their cloth diapers that I wash myself, homeschooling Princess (who I guess according to you must not need any citizenship schoolin’) and taking her to and from her five thousand activities, attempting to run this house, meetings, Green’s homework and after-school activity. Phew! That is an awful lot to do for a mother who doesn’t give a shit about her kids. I should really take a look at that huh?
OR you could actually read our blog and develop an actual opinion more formulated and well thought out than the one you just pulled out of your Dooce luvin’ ass.
Just a thought.
xox
~RM1
Pathetic and bitter. Get over it.
I suppose I’m jealous too huh? Oh yeah and I pull her hair ‘cuz I like her!
~RM1
I shouldn’t even be leaving a comment, but wow. Nothing renegade about calling someone a self-righteous bitch.
There is also nothing very renegade about trying to spam our blog with a link imbedded into your name going to some research crap from your “Research Institute” that just so happens to be about internet meanies.
Now that being said: we believe in freedom of speech and that every voice shall be heard -minus the spam – so your post has now been approved -minus your spam.
Thanks for your contribution. We may be bitches but we are not dumb bitches.
xox
~RM1
Personally what I got out of that post is that your math skills are fuckin’ awesome. I couldn’t have pulled that percentage out of my ass if I tried.
My washing machine take 3 hours to get through a cycle…I haven’t blogged about it…who cares about my laundry!
You absolutely have freedom of speech, I never implied that you didn’t. My comment was simply a response to your post.
The link to the article wasn’t spam, it was meant for you to read. Never said you were dumb bitches either.
I get that you are trying to be a renegade by ripping on someone who has tons of money and fame but it misses the mark. It comes off as crazy angry, sad and too easy – there are plenty of ways to write a counter post to Dooce without calling her a bitch over and over again, or making fun of her Prozac use. It just takes more skill.
No need to post a reply.
Heh… “No need to post a reply.” I love it when commentors do that – so smug.
Someone who makes $40K a month and complains about how hard her life is deserves to have a group of amazing moms rip on her every now and then.